Been There Before
by TXMedic
Summary: Kate wasn't the first to suffer water torture. She seeks comfort from someone who has been there before.


_Post In the Belly of the Beast one-shot. "Castle" belongs to ABC and the characters to Marlowe. Standard disclaimer applies._

Been There Before

Somewhere around 4am, she finally gave up all pretense at sleeping and slid quietly from the bed so that she wouldn't wake her fiancé. She made her way into the kitchen to start a pot of coffee, sure that it would be the only thing that would help her get through the day. Kate Beckett had experienced moments of fear in her career as a cop for the New York Police Department, but none so terrifying as she had in that mansion's basement. She pressed the heel of her hand to her sternum and coughed quietly. Her chest still felt tight. Her dreams...nightmares...during the little sleep she had managed that night had been plagued with the memory of the near-drowning in a tub of ice water.

She tried to drag her thoughts back from that dark memory and focused instead on how intense her feelings had been for Castle during the time she'd been held captive. If she had had any doubts before taking that ridiculous undercover assignment, they were now in the past. Just the thought of never seeing Castle again had made her hold on, keep fighting. Keep breathing.

She had been so very afraid. That kind of stomach-churning fear had never been part of Kate Beckett's emotions, prior to her abduction. She prayed that she never experienced it again. With a sigh, she once again dragged her thoughts away from the fear and pulled a mug down from the cabinet as the trickle of liquid indicated that the coffee was brewing. Just the smell was enough to make her shoulders relax minutely. It was a smell that meant comfort and warmth. Meant Castle.

Once the carafe was full and the coffee machine clicked off, Kate poured herself a cup and raised it to her nose to take a deep breath. With a sigh of relief, she let the mug rest on the counter top while she raided the refrigerator for the fat free vanilla creamer. Once the coffee was doctored to her satisfaction, she wrapped her cold thin hands around the mug and blew softly to cool the liquid before taking a grateful sip. Happy to be alive, standing in Rick's kitchen...drinking coffee.

A shuffling of steps warned her of Castle's presence before large, strong hands gripped her shoulders and massaged. "Rough night?"

Kate took another sip then nodded slightly. "You could say that. I didn't wake you, did I?"

Lips pressed to her hair gently. "No. Had to get up to pee and I realized you were gone. It's too early to be up for work. It wasn't too difficult to make the deduction that you'd had bad dreams and decided to get up."

Reaching out to rest the mug once more on the counter, Kate turned in his arms and pressed close, her ear over his chest so that his heartbeat soothed her raw nerves. "Bad dreams are part of the job, Castle. They'll fade with time."

Strong arms tightened their hold on her and she heard the rumble of his voice in his chest. "Probably. Talking to someone might help speed that along, though."

Frowning, Kate pulled back just enough to look into Castle's concerned gaze. "You mean my shrink?"

"That certainly couldn't hurt, but I was thinking of someone closer to home."

That made Kate smile slightly. "You?"

Rick returned her smile, but shook his head. "While I would love for you to feel comfortable talking to me about what happened in that house, I couldn't relate."

Ah, Castle meant someone who could related to near-death experiences. "Castle, Espo isn't really the touchy-feely talking about feelings kind of guy."

This made Castle frown and step back to regard her amused expression. She didn't seem to get it, and that actually saddened him a little bit. "Kate, I'm talking about Ryan."

"Kevin?"

Castle huffed an exasperated sigh. He knew Kevin came off as pretty mild-mannered, but seriously. Was he the only one who thought Ryan was a complete badass on that pier? "Kate, of the three of you, who has the most experience with the fear and uncertainly of going undercover?"

And she remembered Fenton O'Connell. The surprising admission that Kevin had been deep undercover for more than a year. He would know. Would remember the heart-hammering, gut-churning fear of discovery. It must have been what he had felt, driving Liam to that meeting on a lonely pier. A one-way trip, with only the hope that his partner had answered his phone and heard what Kevin was saying as he drove to his death.

But this was Ryan. The little brother. The sweet guy who doted on his wife and baby girl. The two sides of the man didn't seem to jive with one another. "Maybe, Castle."

"Kate." Castle gripped her shoulders and ducked his head to make eye contact. "It's not just about the going undercover part. Ryan knows what it's like to have his head repeatedly shoved into ice cold water for information. He knows what it's like to struggle to breathe, to fight the temptation to tell his tormentor what they want to hear. He's been there before, Kate. And walked away from it."

Lockwood. How could she not have made that connection? After all, Kevin had suffered that torture for _her_. Kept _her_ secrets. And bounced back as the same happy-go-lucky guy he was before. He had somehow found a way to put the darkness behind him. Maybe he could help her walk back out into the light as well.

Kate once more closed the distance between them and hugged Castle close. "I'm sorry I didn't make the connection. But, thank you for reminding me. You're right. I think talking to Kevin might help."

Arms tightened around her as Castle rested his cheek against her hair. "Thank you. For being stubborn enough to survive. And flexible enough to talk to Ryan."

"Always."

The lattes from the fancy machine in the break room were the only things that kept Beckett going during the boring paperwork slog that morning. The unfortunate result of her ordeal. Her eyes were starting to cross from filling out the online forms and her stomach began to rumble, reminding her that it was close to lunch time. She lifted her gaze from her computer screen, to see Ryan and Esposito at their desks. The two were diligently filling out their own paperwork from their involvement in solving her abduction. Luckily, no new body had dropped so far that morning.

Castle's entreaty that she speak to someone echoed in her mind. Kate locked her computer screen and stood, stretching the kinks out of her back. She grabbed her purse and keys, then made her way over to the boys' desks. "Why don't we take a break, guys?"

Looking up in surprise, Esposito smiled. "You going soft on us, Beckett? We usually have to beg for lunch."

"Maybe you just looked so pitiful, I decided to go easy on you for once." Kate smirked at her junior partners.

"You don't have to tell me twice. I've got errands to run, anyway. Catch you later." Javier grabbed his keys out of the desk and hot-footed it for the elevator, in case she changed her mind.

Kate waited as Kevin finished what he was doing and closed the file on his desk. He caught her stare and looked up, his blue eyes open wide in surprise. "Need me to do something, Beckett?"

"I was wondering if you'd join me for lunch, Kevin."

The rare use of his given name was enough to pique Ryan's curiosity, the invitation to lunch only increased it. He knew it must be important, whatever her motivation to extend the invitation. "Sure."

He slipped into his jacket and followed Beckett to the elevator, a dozen questions swirling in his brain. But Kevin was a detective, and a smart one at that. Before they reached the ground floor, he'd already figured out this had something to do with Beckett's ordeal the day before. And if she wanted to speak to him, specifically, then it was something only he could help her with.

As the doors slid open and they exited the elevator, Kate suggested a small hole-in-the-wall Italian place she'd found a couple of blocks from the precinct. Ryan forced a smile and a nod, sucking in a quiet breath to ground himself. He knew what she wanted to talk about. But he wasn't sure _he_ wanted to talk about it. He hadn't really talked about it to anyone, except the shrink nobody knew he'd gone to see. Sure, he and Espo had skirted around the subject once or twice during a game of Madden or Halo. And he'd given a watered down, sugar-coated version to Jenny.

But this was Beckett. His boss, his partner and his friend. A big sister to add to the brood he already had. She deserved honesty. Maybe they could help each other.

They took their time on the walk to the restaurant, talking about Kate's wedding plans, Sarah Grace, fatherhood, Castle's next Nikki Heat novel...safe topics. They kept up the small talk once they reached the little Italian eatery and took a small table in the back corner. They made their order and still danced around the elephant in the room, until their food arrived and they both faked smiles as they picked at their plates.

Judging by Ryan's nervousness and the way he pushed his food around his plate, Kate was pretty sure he'd figured out why she had invited him to lunch. Sometimes, running around with Castle, she forgot how smart her boys were. Just _why_ her team was the best in New York. With a sigh, Beckett gave up the pretense of a friendly lunch between co-workers.

"Kevin, I wanted to talk to you about what happened in that basement. You know they used water torture, right?"

Straightening in his seat, Kevin lifted his chin and met Beckett's wounded gaze. Tonight would be a bad night, but she deserved his help. "Yeah, I heard you telling Castle and Espo about it. Hurt like a bitch, didn't it?"

A shaky laugh escaped her at his honesty. "You could say that, yes." Beckett looked into Kevin's icy blue eyes and could see understanding and empathy. "I'm sorry. I never really talked to you about it, after Lockwood. You didn't seem fazed by it, so I never pushed. I should have. As your supervisor and as your friend, I should've made sure you were okay."

Kevin squirmed uncomfortably for a moment then stilled. "It's okay. To everyone else, I _wasn't _fazed by it. But, I was pretty certain we were going to die in that warehouse. Going through the motions, fighting that asshat...it was partially to buy time, in case you and Castle found us, and partially just the sheer freaking stubborn will to live."

Running his finger through the condensation on his water glass, Kevin stared at the ice water and tried to find the words to help Beckett. "Trying to keep from fighting back, knowing it used precious oxygen, didn't work. I couldn't help it. Mouthing off between dunking sessions instead of concentrating on just breathing probably wasn't the smartest move, either."

Looking up, he smirked knowingly at his boss. "But, I've always been a bit of a smartass. Knee-jerk reaction, I guess." The smile slipped and Kevin sighed deeply. "Lockwood was right about one thing. That ice-cold water burned like hell when I inhaled it."

"I know."

Meeting Kate's knowing frown, Kevin nodded slowly. "Yeah, I guess you do. That deep, burning fear. Knowing you're going to die after they get tired of playing with you. The pain in your chest and fire in your lungs. Wanting them to just fucking shoot you and get it over with, but fighting to stay alive all the same."

Staring into Beckett's hazel eyes, he saw her understanding. "Yeah. Yeah, you know all that."

"How did you get past it, Kevin? Put the nightmares behind you?"

Laughing softly, Kevin shook his head and slouched once more in his chair. "You don't put the nightmares behind you. Not completely. Bad dreams come with the job, Beckett. You know that. We all have them. You with your Mom, Bracken, getting shot. Espo has enough fodder from his days in the military to keep him in bad dreams, without even throwing in Ike, Lockwood or anything else."

He was dodging. Not purposefully, but dodging nonetheless. "And you?"

Ryan dropped his gaze to his cold plate of pasta and shrugged. "Some stuff from my days in Narco. Undercover. Bobby S. and that pier. Lockwood. 3XK. Burning in that sub-basement. Pulling you up from that building. Most of them have faded or lost their power over time."

"Most?" Beckett reached across the table to brush his hand with her fingers, stilling his nervous shuffling of the silverware and forcing him to meet her gaze once more.

"Most." Kevin let Beckett see the truth in his eyes. She needed to know. "Lockwood. The basement. Those haven't gone away, and may never truly leave me alone. Fire and ice. Ironic, really."

Clasping her long, thin fingers in his larger hand, Kevin leaned forward to make sure she listened to the rest. "But the dreams do lose power, Kate. You fought with every breath in your body to make sure you came home to the person you loved. _That_ is power. _That _was something they couldn't take from you."

She could see the intensity in his eyes, bright with passion. It had been what he had been fighting for in that cold warehouse. Jenny. And Esposito. Un-shed tears pooled in her eyes as a sense of deep regret filled her, because she hadn't realized he had struggled so much after Lockwood's "interrogation". If he'd felt half of what she was dealing with, she should have seen it. Maybe his time undercover had made Ryan a better actor than she'd ever given him credit for.

"So how did you get through the aftermath, Kevin?"

Ryan flashed her a crooked smile and squeezed her hand once more before letting it go and sitting back . "Believe it or not, I went to see a department counselor. I couldn't tell Jenny. Not the real story. She worries enough as it is, just with the day-to-day danger of being a cop in this city. I didn't want to unload on Espo, because he had his own crosses to bear after Lockwood. It helped put a lot of things into perspective. Just talking about it made the event lose its power over me. Not to say that it doesn't visit me in the night from time to time from my subconscious. But, even that isn't happening as often or with the same intensity."

"I've...seen someone, from time to time, to help me deal with the bad stuff." Beckett smiled genuinely at her junior partner. "I'll make an appointment to meet with him today or tomorrow. I'm sure it will help, but probably not nearly as much as this has."

Kevin waved at the waiter for the check, and to-go boxes for their barely touch meals, then flashed a genuine smile. "Anytime you want to talk, just let me know. I'm not exactly Freud, but I've been in some hairy situations. I know all about wanna-piss-your-pants fear. Just goes to show how stupid I really am, that I keep putting the badge back on every day."

After paying the check, the two grabbed their to-go containers and stood to leave. Kate caught Kevin's arm to keep him from leaving for a moment, leaned over and gave him a grateful kiss on his cheek. "Thank you for sharing, Kevin. I know it dredged up things you'd rather keep locked away."

Grinning at her rare show of affection, Ryan looped his arm through hers as he steered her from the restaurant. "Don't let Castle see you smooching with me, or he'll call off the wedding."

"Don't worry about Castle. I'll protect you from him"

The brightness of the afternoon made them both blink as they exited the restaurant. Kevin turned them toward the precinct and shrugged his indifference. "Ah, I don't think I have to worry about Castle. I almost shot him once. I can do it again. And get a little closer this time."

A startled laugh escaped her as Beckett remembered that moment in the victim's bedroom. She let go of Ryan's arm to smack him on the back of the head. His laughter joined hers as they headed back to the 12th, both with lighter steps than they'd had before. After all, a burden is always lighter when shared by two.

THE END


End file.
